Part 1: My job sucks – does that mean I suck?

Stressed brain

FYI: It’s a brain not a bum.

I’m mixing things up this week. I’ve read a book not a journal. I know, I know, how old-fashioned. It’s called ‘do what you are’ by Tieger & Barron and is supposedly the key to finding your dream job… You have to find out your personality type and this should tell you which career will allow you to flourish. Simple, right? Makes you wonder why so many people are unemployed (someone should really tell them, all they need to do is read a goddamn book).

So here’s the deal. This week, we’ll work out what personality type you are (there are 16) and then in subsequent weeks, I’ll go through each personality type and essentially become the world’s greatest careers advisor.

Why bother working anyway?

Now it is very tempting to just say a big fuck you to society and become at one with the world. You need those precious hours to be creative, to come up with that life changing idea, to answer the unsolved philosophical questions or to sit in your pants and play xbox. However, for those who decide to conform (urgh!) most people will work over 90,000 hours in their lifetime. Not to bring a downer on the whole affair or anthing… And, apparently 80% of people are dissatisfied with their job. So let’s just spend half our lives doing something we hate. Perfect.

Let’s jump into your brain. Mushy.

Tieger & Barron use the ever-famous Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to determine personality type. So let’s dive right in, rummage about, pick your brain apart and see who you really are. You’ll need to pick which one sounds more like you from each of the four pairs, so you’ll end up with four letters at the end (sorry that it involves you doing something, it’s minimal I swear):

Extraversion (E) – Introversion (I)

Extroverts are basically those annoying people who don’t shut up and have to talk to everyone and anyone they see, they crave attention and feed off other people’s energy, kind of like a more sociable Dracula. Introverts are those withdrawn creepy types, who seem to always look hunched up in a corner (how they always manage to travel anywhere but always be in a corner is beyond me), they are creatures of thought, psychotic, some might say.

Extroverts want breadth, they want it all and they want it now. Their ideas are developed by talking or doing things, by getting involved. Think of those team building activities that are supposed to assist in bonding (bonding always makes me picture two people glued together; sinister), if it fills you with dread you’ll probably an introvert… vice versa, hello extrovert. In contrast, introverts want depth. They want to think before they blurt something stupid out, they want to learn about something it its entirety, and they are just a little bit less keen.

So are you an ‘E’ or an ‘I’? Write it down and move on!

Sensing (S) – Intuition (N)

Sensors are a rainman type, they remember the details, that Uncle Mike had really bad breadth on Christmas of 2009, there were 102 dirty plates leftover and Granddad gave the worst gift (a hideous duck ornament…). They will always read the manual before assembling anything. No chance, of a wonky table from a sensor, oh no. Bloody annoying if you are an intuitive, you just want to grab the pieces and shove ‘em together; if it goes wrong (highly likely) they can always re-do it.

Intuitives trust their gut instincts (risky eh?) they believe in hunches and imagination, all the things THAT AREN’T REAL. They look into the future and want to see the bigger picture, kind of like one of those con-artist gypsy fortune tellers. They won’t be content where they are for long, they agitate for change, like a fidgeting child.

So if you are child-like wrinkly faced gypsy woman/man who can’t sit still you’re an intuitive so write down an ‘N’, if you are a mental freak who does everything by the book, you need to write down ‘S’.

Thinking (T) – Feeling (F)

Thinkers think. Feelers feel. Not exactly rocket science… Thinkers make decisions based on facts and are rational, logical, analytical and cold. Feelers make their decisions based on what they feel is right or how much they care; they are compassionate, empathetic and nosey.

This one’s got a lot to do with emotion. If the overemotional feeler and the unattached thinker clash, it usually ends up with the feeler getting all upset and the thinker wondering what the fuck went wrong (And no, not all (two thirds) men are thinkers and not all (two thirds) women are feelers).

So are you a cold hearted bitch? Or an emotionally unattached robot? Go for T. Or are you a dramatic touchy feely lovey dovey fluffy lady? Or a teary eyed in touch with your feminine side modern man? Go for F.

Judging (J) – Perceiving (P)

Judgers (the name is very harsh, like they hate everyone) are very structured people, they like things just so, in the correct order. OCD? Not quite, but they like to follow steps, guidelines and make lifetime plans. So if you’ve mapped out your 50 year career plan (woop woop!), stick to deadlines without fail and need to be ‘settled’ then you’re a J. Now this sounds mega boring. However, at least you’ve got a plan…

Perceivers are spontaneous and slapdash in their approach. Oh, I might need that just put it over there (to be forgotten about for 6 months) in that sky high pile of crap. They like to not been tied down, love the open road and like to keep options open. So if we want to give it a metaphor, judgers are the dearly loyal husband of 20 years and perceivers are the wild child open relationship kind of guy (hussies).

One great line from the book is ‘Judgers experience tension until closure is reached… Perceivers experience tension when they have to make a decision, they avoid closure’. Closure, that word we are all oh so fond of…

So J or T? Do you want closure? Because we are at the end.

All over! If you’ve got more than four letters then you’ve done it wrong you idiot. For those of you who have managed to do it right. Now you’ve got your type. But you’ll have to wait until text time to see what it means. However, if you are impatient (I am) you can read up about it here… or I’ve given you a little nickname below to give you a little hint. Cheeky.

ENFJ –  The emotional souls.  

INFJ – The stubborn ideas people.

ENFP – The scatterbrains.    

INFP – The mystery man.              

ENTJ – The eager beaver.             

INTJ – High standards.                

ENTP – Commitment issues.        

INTP – The problem solver.          

ESTJ – The dictator.              

ISTJ – Cold.        

ESFJ – The pushover.      

ESTP – The good time girl.            

ISTP – Mister. Indecisive.          

ESFP – The social butterfly.          

ISFP – Miss. Gullible

ISFJ – Humble pie.

Are You An Over Abuser? Get Drunk. Get Stoned. Smoke a Fag. Shoot Some Aliens. Lose Some Money. Repeat.

addiction 001

I know it’s been a while. So I thought I’d use a study to explain why I missed last week’s blog and you can all feel sorry for me and forgive me instantly. I have low self esteem and high impulsivity. Because of these personality defects, I’ve been drinking, smoking, gambling and gaming my little life away and forgot that I had other supposedly ‘more important’ things to do. Satisfied? Okay, I lied; this couldn’t be further from the truth. I lead a very dull and mundane lifestyle. However, those of you ‘cooler’ kids might want to listen up, this week’s study are all about personality and addictive behaviours. Wathler et al, 2012 cover cannabis, alcohol, tobacco, gambling and gaming. (If you’ve just filled up your mental checklist with ticks I suggest you read on…)

1. If you do one, you’ll do them all. All the addictive behaviours they looked at were positively correlated.

Interesting right? So you’ve poured yourself a nice innocent glass of wine to go with dinner; but is that one glass of wine really that innocent? Before you know it your friend comes in with a joint, followed by another friend with an array of cards and chips, and a pack of cigars emerge from the top drawer. If that wasn’t wild enough, you whack on the Xbox so you can kill some shit (there are other games/consoles available). Within seconds you have reduced yourself to an abusive scum of the earth zombie killing, alcoholic, druggie gambler. Now it may be way more exciting than sitting down in front of Corrie with a cup of tea, but clearly we’ve proven turning down that glass of wine will make you into a proper, intellectual, run-of-the-mill boring twat. What we’ve really learnt is, go mental. You are more likely to go wild anyway, so why fight the facts?

2. Gamers are on another level (see what I did there?) with personality traits such as irritability/aggression and loneliness, low self esteem and less social self-efficacy.

Wow, that’s an attractive mix right? So let’s speculate on each trait so we can really understand the deep rooted problems all gamers evidently have. Irritability: imagine someone comes in your room every ten minutes to rattle on and on about some nonsense and then screams at you for not paying attention; very bloody annoying. So yes, you will snap back at them, because they don’t understand that it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or how many hours you’ve been zombified. You’re on edge, there’s so much more you need to accomplish. Besides, they screamed at you first. Aggression: aside from those lame ass dancing games, most games involve a weapon (although if you watch me dance about, my flailing arms and legs could damn well be considered lethal). So yes, you are being chased, shot at, slashed at and crashed into, you have a right to be a little angered. You are merely in character. Yes, you may charge full pelt and red-faced into someone if they quip ‘oops, you died’, but like they all say; it’s just banter. Low self-esteem: there is nothing more repulsive than arrogance. Less social self efficacy: now this one is ridiculous. Obviously, after roaming about with aliens, conquering lands and killing prostitutes everything else is pale in comparison. Now, after these magical experiences, if you thought completing that spreadsheet was a massive accomplishment you’d be deemed at idiot. It’s all relative.

3. There’s an addictive personality. Watch out guys.

Male? Don’t really speak to your parents/flatmates? Spontaneous? Well, you’re probably abusive (not in that way, don’t worry). You’re just more likely to gamble, overdo the drugs and alcohol and spend all hours of the day playing video games. No biggie. Let’s review which personality traits are most associated with which behaviours. Kind of like fucked up matchmaking? Tobacco = high impulsivity and extraversion. Alcohol = high sensation seeking and extraversion. Cannabis = ADHD and sensation seeking. Gambling = high impulsivity and high sensation seeking. Gaming = ADHD and social anxiety. There are a lot of people seeking sensations right? I just want to feel something. Anything. There’s really two things I think when I read into these traits, one, people do these things because they want to have fun, to do something different, to try something out and two, because they are crazy anyway so need to funnel their energy into something productive; like drinking.

Let’s summarise. You’re now drunk, your mouth tastes grim, you’re penniless, exhausted and really, really high. What comes after? Depression. But don’t worry, Walther et al tell us if you are female, poor and whose parents pester you all the time you’re less likely to get addicted. Cause for a celebration right? Bottle of vodka anyone? 😉

+On a side note I’d love suggestions on what you want me to write about next week (provided I come out of my drug induced stupor).

IN OUT, IN OUT, SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT: Be Friends With Someone Of the Opposite Sex? Are You Mad?

blurrymanwoman

Once you get over the boys are smelly and girls are gross stage, you have a new found interest in the opposite sex. Now there are still some men at the age of 30 who think women are mystical creatures from a land far, far away and some women who have to have their girls who save them from the big bad mean men (I’m not being cynical for once, there are real people like this). This week we are going where no person has gone before (well, hardly any) and looking at Bleske-Rechek et al study (2012) into DIFFERENT SEX friendships. I know, I know, it’s shocking in this day in age that men and women are allowed to mix beyond the constraints of babies. If I were to have my way, we would learn from the ancient ‘hokey kokey’ prophecy ‘in out, in out, shake it all about… and that’s what it’s all about’ (aptly named ‘hokey pokey’ in America actually) but well some people think these friendships can offer other benefits – pfft! So let’s delve deeper into the ulterior motives of those ‘so-called’ friends….

1. More men are attracted to their female friends then women are to their male friends.

I know what you are thinking – Duh! But let’s look at both sides of the sex coin. Heads: Men just aren’t as finicky as women. So don’t be too flattered ladies, they see that you have those lady lumps, quickly glance up to make sure you aren’t a Susan Boyle and think ‘yup, I’d do the old hokey pokey with that fair maiden’ (Or if you are being crude, and more realistic: ‘She’ll do). Whereas, you see that bulge in their pants and think ‘I don’t want that bloody thing poking me in the back in the morning.’ How would you like it if we started jabbing you in the forehead with a pen? It would instantly get you going would it? I thought not. So men could just have a bigger range of women they find attractive (the hussies) than those fussy awkward prudes that are women. The way to test this theory is to ask a man how many ugly female friends he has… I’m going to hazard a bet at zero. Or with a flip of the coin; tails: Women are massive liars (self reported study).

2. Men overestimated their female counterpart’s attraction towards them and overestimated their desire to date them.

Now this is a dangerous, dangerous statement. So men overcompensate. Oh, I am sorry that should be overestimate. So ladies, your male friends, almost indefinitely think you want to do the dirty with them and no amount of saying you ‘see them as brother’ type phrases is going to dent that huge ego. However, there are a couple of sly ways you could wriggle your way out of this situation. You know that really needy, over dramatic, ‘NO ONE LOVES ME I AM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER’ girl? (There’s always one. If you can’t think of one, yes, it’s you, whoops!) Get your Cilla Black hat on and force a loving consensual relationship onto him. He’s not going to get out of that one for a while, so whilst he gets the crowbar out to attempt to release himself from her vice-like grip you can think of a more permanent solution. Or you try and put him off. Unleash that inner beast. Fart, burp, cry, puke, scream, bitch and moan as much as your subject can handle (top tip here, wait until you two are alone to do this, you don’t want to tarnish your reputation in front of men you actually find attractive). If neither of these methods works, well, I’m afraid you are going to have to marry this superhuman-man.

3. Top benefit of same sex friendship = Insight into the mind of the opposite sex

This was the top benefit for both men and women. So basically we’ve both come to the conclusion no one has a fucking clue. So my advice would be to utilise this as much as possible. If you’ve got all areas access to the fairer sex then why are you talking about juvenile topics such as the weather? Get to the good stuff, the stuff that will actually help you.
Q: Do I have to pay for everything on the first date? A: YES, YOU TIGHTWAD.
Q: Why do men never ask for directions? A: BECAUSE WE KNOW THE FLIPPING WAY. (Not true).
Q: Why are women so emotional? A: HOW DARE YOU!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH!? (hysterical crying imminent here).

5. Top male cost = lots of drama and stress & top female cost = sexual attraction.

So the most annoying thing about being friends with a woman is that it’s a lot of effort and with men, it’s them constantly trying to get it on. So let’s weigh up the facts, men think that all women think they are attractive and they think all women want to date them. But they do want to know more about them, probably to use their new found knowledge in their pulling techniques… And they think women are a hell of a lot of effort. But women are getting pissed off because their friends are sexually attracted to them. So what’s the solution I hear you cry!? One word: sex.

This week’s blogs a little different, I’d say it’s not as weird. Or maybe I’m just going more mental. Or maybe I’m just being DRAMATIC!? Typical emotional woman. Next week I’m steering clear of relationships as it would only be right to look at something completely irrelevant on Valentine’s day. Make sure you watch those male friends wandering hands… 😉

Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover: Judge A Person By Their Face.

weirdfaces

This week we’re looking into a relatively new study by Bovet et al (2012) into facial attractiveness. They have some interesting and perhaps slightly disturbing findings:

– Men like women who look like them.
– Men like women with DOMINANT features.
– Eyebrows are the only exception to the dominant rule.
– Blue eyed men like blue eyed girls.
– Brown eyed men are not fussy (Eye-wise, they are not just generally hussies).

To make things a little bit simpler for those of you lazy so and so’s; I’ve got on board the sexual apartheid bandwagon and split this blog right down the gender line. And that’s not all; I’ve then given you the ultimate tip with almost 100%* success rates.

Advice for women:

Get manly. Now for those of us who already look slightly butch, good news! You may have been mistaken for a lesbian all these years, or been given a slightly weary look when you walk into the women’s toilet… but here’s a chance to give two fingers to your Barbie counterparts. The logic is simple, they are a rugged bearded manly man and you are a rugged (perhaps bearded) manly woman. Men are attracted to women that look like them. Bob’s your uncle. Now for those girly girls, all is not lost, there’s always the option to take up some gypsy style knuckle fighting? Maybe get that nose looking more Mike Tyson and less… I can’t think of a celebrity who hasn’t had a nose job but you get the idea.

Think BOLD. Dominant features are the new black. (Hmm, this saying might not be PC enough when talking about the face, don’t repeat it your friends). So yes, we already know you need to look masculine but you also need to get those features to literally POP out of your little face. Think of when you squeeze a banana hard enough and it spurts out of its skin (Yup, I know, I know; sexy). A few options might be; imitating a panda and emphasising the eyes with a ‘blackest black like my soul’ eyeliner, or coal for those eco-conscious amongst us, using superglue to pin your lips into that fish like pout and flaring your nostrils at any opportunity.

Now if these two nuggets of advice don’t get you increased attention from the opposite sex then science has failed us. However, if your new googly eyed, rough skinned, gigantic featured look still isn’t helping you attract the right man (failure does seem ludicrous I know), then you have one more option. Go brown. If these brown-eyed men don’t care about a crucial factor such as what eyes their potential girlfriend has, they must be desperate. So sought out those caramel, hazel and chocolate eyed men and work your magic.

Advice for men:

Get stalking. So you know what you look like, some more than others. Yes, you vain arrogant tossers, you have the upper hand. However, this piece of advice is like going to the pub and finding out there’s free beer. I’m asking you to trawl through hundreds of pictures of women and rate them. You may argue you do this already, now the difference here is you are looking at their FACES, sorry boys. So take the time to analyse the eyes, nose and lips of the attractive women you see every day and think are they like mine? And if you find a perfect match, who isn’t related to you might I add, give her a go (take her on a date, you have such dirty minds).

The ULTIMATE tip: Want to up the probability of meeting that special someone? It’s easy; just carry a picture of yourself everywhere… 

You know what you want them to look like, you. So take the necessary precautions. Why waste your time with that tight lipped, small nosed wench when you are an ample lipped, mammoth snouted chap?

So after writing this, I can sleep at night safely under the knowledge that I’ve ruined many people’s lives. Now whenever you meet that special someone you’re going to think back to this and wonder, does she look enough like me? Do we look like an incestuous couple? And if the answer is no, your relationship is doomed.

See you next week! 😉

*Study undertaken with one participant, he thought he was in the perfect relationship, but he couldn’t understand why his date kept appearing in the bathroom and whenever he was trying to get ready. It was later discovered his date was his reflection, hence the almost 100% success rate.

The Art of Non-Verbal Communication: How To Say What You Really Mean.

Stripgurningface

Our exciting topic for today is Albert Mehrabian’s study into non-verbal communication. He teaches us that:

1. 7% of meaning is in the words spoken.
2. 38% is the tone of voice (the WAY the words are said for those of us who are intellectually challenged).
3. 55% happens via facial expression.

Very interesting I hear you say, but how can this study improve my life?

What a fantastic question. You can try these techniques below to enhance your non-verbal communication techniques:

1. Words are of lesser value than you think. Use other means. My advice would be to go hang out at your local library (yes, your credibility will go through the roof) and try to talk to people without actually saying anything; a nod of the head, a wink, a smile, perhaps a soft grunt. The advantages are two-fold. Firstly, you will become well known in the learning community (A title of ‘local nutter’ is definitely nothing to be sniffed at). Secondly, you will have a new found appreciation for your face; with just the lick of the lips and a waggle of the tongue you’ve found yourself being personally escorted out the building – VIP treatment!

2. Pitch and elongation are your new best friends. Experiment to your hearts delight. Think young adolescent boy and the whole voice breaking scenario. Try to shock yourself, if you’ve made yourself jump when you reach Bee-Gee levels midst sentence, you know you’re onto a winner. Combine this with a slow, almost patronising speed of speech and you’ve mastered tone of voice. This technique will allow you to both convey your meaning more effectively but also will challenge your vocal chords. So really you’re received an expert singing lesson and public speaking master-class all in one. What a bargain!

3. Facial expression should be one of two extremes. With over half of your non-verbal communication coming from your face, you’ve really got to utilise it. Gurning is a popular hobby amongst bearded women and wrinkly old men. They know the secret. Think of it this way, we only use a small proportion of our brain power, facial expression is the same. If we really took advantage of every little movement, we may even be able to eliminate speech out altogether. Imagine if you could tell someone you hated their guts from a slight poke of the tongue. There would be so much more time to run away as they chased you down to kick the crap out of you. So you see it really is life saving!

This has made me wonder if just a general slur would suffice from now on? I’ve got a case of chronic mumbling syndrome but is this actually an annoyance to other people? Or merely my way of trying to keep communication efficient? Thank you for your findings Albert Meharbian, it’s been emotional. Or has it? You don’t know do you, because you can’t see me crazily moving my facial features whilst growling and screeching.

So, thanks for reading my first slating, I’ll give you a a few days to practice these 3 techniques (please feel free to let me know how they go – photos would be incredible) and I’ll be back to impact your psychological view on the world once again. ;).